Pence Pence

A former U.S. congressman and governor for the state of Indiana, President Mike Pence is proud to serve the white and Christian population of America for more than two decades.

Born in Columbus, Indiana, on June 7, 1959, to wholesome heterosexual couple Edward and Nancy Pence, Michael Richard Pence was named after his grandfather Richard, who emigrated to America from the non-Muslim-majority country of Ireland, settling with his family in the American Midwest.

Growing up in small town Indiana, Pence witnessed the American Dream firsthand as his hardworking opposite-sex parents built what he refers to as the “American Dream Big 3” -- a big family, a big chain of local convenience stores, and a family name synonymous with a big chain of local convenience stores.

His idyllic American childhood was disrupted, however, when as a high school student Pence supported the Democratic party and voted for Jimmy Carter -- a decision he attributes less to loose political and moral convictions than to teenage immaturity and “the magnetic, almost sexual pull a charismatic figure such as Jimmy Carter had on teenagers of the 70s.”

But the self-described “former Carter bitch” would soon shed his democratic feathers at liberal arts college in Hanover, Indiana, where he joined the Phi Gamma Delta fraternity and declared himself a born-again Evangelical Christian. Of his time in undergraduate school, Pence has said “Joining an exclusive group of white men and becoming progressively conservative prepared me enormously for my role as President.”

Pence went on to earn a law degree at Indiana University, where he formed a healthy and natural heterosexual attraction to the female woman Karen Pence. In 2002 Pence stated in an interview that he declines to eat dinner or attend drinking functions without his wife present, although “I’m fine with [Karen] going out drinking with however many dudes she wants, I don’t get jealous like that.”

Armed with a newly-minted legal degree and public-radio-host-good-looks, Pence launched a radio program, The Mike Pence Show, which was syndicated in 18 stations across Indiana -- WOW! -- and enabled him to connect with a broad, state-wide fan base. It was during this era that the future President established himself as a serious and respected voice in politics by exposing Mulan, a Disney animated film with a talking dragon, as malicious liberal propaganda.

“Public broadcasting is important and I hope that the President of the United States will never do anything to defund it, and if he does, I will be very angry and try to stop him, due to my own personal history in public broadcasting,” Pence said at the time.

Exposing Disney’s Mulan soon emboldened Pence, then a heterosexual father- of-three with a hit public radio show under his belt, to run for congressional office in Indiana. With chants of “Pence for Congress,” “Boycott Mulan,” and “I Still Don’t Quite Understand Why We Are Boycotting Mulan,” Pence was elected to the US House of Representatives in 2000.

Over the next 12 years, Pence would serve six more terms in Congress and advocate for the strong set of values he had come to hold over the years, which he listed as “America, Family, Respect, Heterosexual, Self-Determination, Radio, Religious Freedom, Bible, Constitution, and No-Mulan.”

Those values earned him the respect of his colleagues in Washington and at home in the Hoosier state, which in 2013 called him back home to serve as the 50th Governor of Indiana. In his new role, Pence got to work on a broad-reaching legislative agenda that included lowering individual tax rates, lowering business property tax rates, lowering corporate tax rates, lowering heterosexual tax rates, and lowering the tax rate on inheritances.

Envious constituents around the country leered in slack-jawed jealousy at the tax-less Utopia which was now the state of Indiana. The message was clear: It was time to serve Hoosiers not only in the state of Indiana, but Hoosiers across the nation as well.

With a political toolbelt equipped with a liberal arts education, legal degree, public radio show, a decade of public service, and strong family values like Bible and No-Mulan, Pence was ready to join Republican Presidential nominee and fellow heterosexual Donald Trump on the 2016 GOP ticket.

With the resignation of President Trump now in the past, Pence is excited to look toward the future as the 46th President of the United States of America.

President Mike Pence remains grateful for his faith, the love and support of his family, Indiana public radio, Hoosiers the people, Hoosiers the Movie, former President Jimmy Carter, his brothers at Phi Gamma Delta, the convenience of local convenience stores, Shan Yu the ruthless king of the Huns in Mulan who tried to kill Mulan, and the blessings of tax cuts which are the birthright of every wealthy American.