Pence Pence
Dear Mother,
For many years I’ve slept in my comfortable pajamas--they zip from head to toe and are made of the softest red flannel. They were lovingly made for me on my nineteenth birthday by my dearly departed grandmother. Unfortunately, I’ve been suffering from some nightmare-induced cold sweats which have disintegrated the delicate fabric. I know my mother (wife) loves snuggling up to me when I’m wearing these P.J.s. I have to say I’ll miss our nights of hot chocolate and bible verse recitations in bed. Mother may I...buy a new pair of pajamas?
Sincerely,
M.P. in D.C.
Dear M.P.,
Well, you are a VERY lucky young man to have such a wonderful grandmother who made you a snuggly sleepsuit! And your wife is a VERY lucky young woman to have a flannel-swathed mate. Unfortunately, holes in pajamas can result in unintended glimpses of the human body, which lead to naughty nighttime behavior. For your wife’s sake and your own, find a new more modest solution to your sleepwear situation--ideally one cut from thick fabric and sewed tightly at the seams.
Love,
Mother

Dear Mother,
For many years, I worked with a man who had a troubling relationship with his wife. He treated her like an object, bragged about how long he knew her, and it seemed like she was genuinely afraid of him. I stood by this man because he helped my career and now sometimes I can’t finish my mashed potatoes because I feel bad. Mother may I...forgive myself?
Sincerely,
Indy Mikey
Dear Indy Mikey,
I beg you to remember: God invented wives to glorify their husbands! They are beautiful baby-houses sent to this earth to bring forth a new generation of heavenly victors (male) and breeders (female). If this man treated his wife like an object it was surely because he understood that was the best use for her, and we cannot question our Lord who vested him with that wisdom. Rest easy. You WILL go to heaven and you MAY forgive yourself.
Love,
Mother


Dear Mother,
Recently I had the opportunity to hire a large amount of government workers. I try to remember that as someone in a position of power, I lead God’s army. Unfortunately, mired in the paperwork of my new position, I accidentally approved the employment of a known homosexual. This man is so good at his job I accidentally overlooked his sexuality in the hiring process. The thought that I am paying an admitted sodomite chills me to the bone. Even throwing a football around the White House Rose Garden--I meant the lawn--isn’t fun anymore. My wife says if I do not fire this person I will go to hell. Mother may I...fire this deviant?
Sincerely,
Mike Pence Mark Parts
Dear Mike Pence Mark Parts,
If you want to find eternal bliss, you must fire this person. Not only are they infecting God’s earth in their spare time with their unacceptable behavior, but they are poisoning the saintly environment you are so carefully constructing. We are taught to love the sinner and hate the sin, but homosexuality is a dangerous choice made to taunt godly people. Reject it, and give this pinko the pink slip.
Love,
Mother

Dear Mother,
Mother May I...eat alone with a woman who’s not my wife?
Sincerely,
President Mike Penc--A President of Something
Dear President Mike Penc--A President of Something,
No.
Love,
Mother